jaws

the sound of people chewing
make my skin crawl
the swish of saliva
the absent-minding crunching

awakens some primal
reservoir of fury
sending impulses to the
reflexes of
my fists
squeezing tightly
shut

perhaps i was swallowed
in my last life
and the sound of
chewing was the last
thing i heard before
being eroded away
in a sea of acid
and other delicacies

that would explain
why affections often
taste like ravenous wolves
and love feels like
farmer's-wife fingers
around my chicken
throat

I suppose
when your blood cells were
born out of gasping
and swallowing
it should come as
no wonder that the
sound of teeth
makes you into
fists and clenched
jaws

12/25/17

Thank you - for Rupi and Rudy

sometimes
i wish i could
apologize to the
poets i love
for using their
pain like a park bench
a place for me
to rest
and cry
and heal

as if it didn't
cost you
to make a
home out of your
suffering

but
instead of sorry
i will fill my tongue
with thank you's
that i pray you will
hear from across
the country

your tears have an echo
and it sounds like
rain
quenching
the desert

12/25/17

my hunger for the Baals
and what they offer
has turned me into
an all-consuming fire
and they cannot quench me
yet all I long to be
is a river
that is cool and clear
and carries pain away
to the ocean of
Yahweh's love
the love that says
"I will have mercy
on the one who is named
No Mercy
and I will say to Not My People
'You are my people' "

12/21/17

catechism

*recite aloud*

i am resilient

i am loved

i am whole

i am adored

i am not alone

i am not evil

i am not worthless

i am not unloveable

i can heal

i can grow

i can bring life

i am important

*repeat until you believe it*

12/17/17

on being the one who leaves

I'm looking down the barrel
of the ways that I've broken you
and I feel myself splintering
under the pain and the pressure

12/18/17

i didn't realize how i loved you
until i let myself begin to miss you
you were safe enough to
let you love me back
you gave me
your heart, unafraid
every part of me
aches for every
beautiful part of you

My papi, my darling
No, you're not mine
but i still love you
i'd love to lasso
your heart back to me
forget what makes sense!
who cares if my point
were valid
i want to believe
you can love me well
it's costing me more than
i can bear to admit
to keep choosing
myself
to keep remembering
why i walked away
i wish it wasn't over
oh, how i wish it wasn't over

12/16/17

i have to believe that i'm beautiful

now, more than ever

when self-loathing

threatens to overtake me

12/13/17