jaws

the sound of people chewing
make my skin crawl
the swish of saliva
the absent-minding crunching

awakens some primal
reservoir of fury
sending impulses to the
reflexes of
my fists
squeezing tightly
shut

perhaps i was swallowed
in my last life
and the sound of
chewing was the last
thing i heard before
being eroded away
in a sea of acid
and other delicacies

that would explain
why affections often
taste like ravenous wolves
and love feels like
farmer's-wife fingers
around my chicken
throat

I suppose
when your blood cells were
born out of gasping
and swallowing
it should come as
no wonder that the
sound of teeth
makes you into
fists and clenched
jaws

12/25/17

Thank you - for Rupi and Rudy

sometimes
i wish i could
apologize to the
poets i love
for using their
pain like a park bench
a place for me
to rest
and cry
and heal

as if it didn't
cost you
to make a
home out of your
suffering

but
instead of sorry
i will fill my tongue
with thank you's
that i pray you will
hear from across
the country

your tears have an echo
and it sounds like
rain
quenching
the desert

12/25/17

my hunger for the Baals
and what they offer
has turned me into
an all-consuming fire
and they cannot quench me
yet all I long to be
is a river
that is cool and clear
and carries pain away
to the ocean of
Yahweh's love
the love that says
"I will have mercy
on the one who is named
No Mercy
and I will say to Not My People
'You are my people' "

12/21/17

catechism

*recite aloud*

i am resilient

i am loved

i am whole

i am adored

i am not alone

i am not evil

i am not worthless

i am not unloveable

i can heal

i can grow

i can bring life

i am important

*repeat until you believe it*

12/17/17

on being the one who leaves

I'm looking down the barrel
of the ways that I've broken you
and I feel myself splintering
under the pain and the pressure

12/18/17

i didn't realize how i loved you
until i let myself begin to miss you
you were safe enough to
let you love me back
you gave me
your heart, unafraid
every part of me
aches for every
beautiful part of you

My papi, my darling
No, you're not mine
but i still love you
i'd love to lasso
your heart back to me
forget what makes sense!
who cares if my point
were valid
i want to believe
you can love me well
it's costing me more than
i can bear to admit
to keep choosing
myself
to keep remembering
why i walked away
i wish it wasn't over
oh, how i wish it wasn't over

12/16/17

i have to believe that i'm beautiful

now, more than ever

when self-loathing

threatens to overtake me

12/13/17

Do you ever have days
where the only thing that
keeps you from killing yourself
are the thoughts of your baby sister
the thought of the horror and pain
adorning her face
the unquenchable hurt in her tears
the realization that as fucked up
as you are, imagine the
scars your self-violence would
leave her with

you have to weigh the cost
enduring your own suffering
so as not to inflict immense
suffering on your loved ones

it doesn't feel selfish in
the moment, wanting to die
you think only of release,
of quiet,
of freedom,
freedom from gut-wrenching
hatred that has made a
home out of you
a hatred that you cannot evict,
you cannot kill
of if you can, you don't
know how or have enough strength

days like that, days like today,
are the hardest to endure
the most dangerous to wake up to
because sometimes
you don't know if you'll
get to the end
sometimes
you don't know if
the anguish will kill you
even before you can

as you watch yourself stumble
blindly through the emotions
oh, how the hatred heaps upon itself
as you think about how lucky you are
about all the good things you have
that you don't deserve anyway
you have a good life
you have an easy life
you have no right to feel this way
these thoughts pushing you
closer and closer to taking a step
a fatal one
a lethal one

have you ever had the thought
"maybe i can find a way to
make it look like an accident..."

if you have never had
that thought, so full of evil,
if you have never felt this way
i am glad for you

i hope you live your
whole life without feeling
like there is a darkness
eating you from the
inside out

12/13/17

i won't say thank you

when i told him i was on my
period he fed me a tired line
about how "he could never
be disgusted by something
so natural..."

we had sex that night
and i felt so cared-for,
so amazed at this man
for not hating me for
finding me desirable
in spite of the things
that make me what i am

woman
animal
mother
& blood...

as it the wordless histories
of my ancestors spilled upon
bodies & beds & floors & fields
didn't plant the seeds of the
most ancient trees and most
powerful men

oh how i wish i could go back
a few short years and teach that
more afraid version of myself
that even though i was breaking apart
& drifting down the river of my own pain
that i did not have to
nor should i
accept trite & disingenuous offerings
from men who believed themselves
to be kind and worthy of my body
& time
who believed that saw the real me
who believed they could tame my wild spirit

but since i cannot go back and tell her
i shall tell you, my reader, the truth

do not thank man for not being
disgusted by you
for never making your feel small or unsafe
if their eyes are full of questions
and anticipation of your wonder
pick up your purse, your clothes,
your vulnerability and
walk out the door

for if a man feels you should
expect so little of him
imagine how little he
expects from himself

12.2.17

She smiles & her
fingers tremble
with awe
at her own
power

"i'm here"
gleams the dragon
"my fire inhabits
your chest
& my teeth
your words."

12.2.17

i'm done drowning

my pain

it is time

to let it breathe

and hurt

and wreck me

the time has come

to miss you

December 5, 2017

THESE UNITED STATES

Let me begin by saying
That God
Does not give
A shit
About these
United states of America

A country that would ask its
Citizens to unite under the banner
Of ubiquity.. Sameness..
Under a flag with stars whose
Points no longer point to
Freedom but to greed
Keep what belongs to us
Screw everyone else

Which would maybe make sense
If any of the things that
“Belonged to us”
Actually belonged to us
But in a nation where the
Crux of the culture
Is a dream that
Asks no questions of its
Means to an end

I have to ask
What are we fighting for?
Surely we can understand
One another
Surely we can have diplomacy
Dialogue, discourse
I’m done talking
While the serpent’s tongue still flicks
Swiftly into the air to taste the
Tension and the rage
The hatred and unrest
The fear that found a home
In our soil centuries ago that
Has grown nearly unchecked
And allows rights for a few like...

Checking bags at the
Airport for a “random” strip search

Checking the visa at customs
Shaking heads and “send them
Back where they came from”

Pulling over a car for that
Broken tail light
For the broken promises
Like “All men are created
EQUAL”

Who am I, you ask, to dare speak
Ill of the nation that gave me breath
Well let me tell you,
Until the breath of every man, woman,
And child is what we promise to protect
Then I will never claim this place as
My home, as the place where I belong

If a father abuses his children
He may be the man who gave them
Life
But he has no right to be angry
If they walk away from his
Name

America has been breaking backs and bones and hearts for so long
How many more of our leaders
Must sponsor suffering before
They are torn to the ground?
Anger is a volatile fuel,
But I am tired of adding names
To the list
Of those murdered by our protectors
Of those betrayed by our systems
Of those sent back to their deaths
By arbitrary borders
And heinous prejudices

We should be tired
We should be angry

The greatest mistake this nation
Could make
Is to believe that we are done
Fighting
And that any God worth worshipping
Would allow her name
To be invoked in the name
Of your ignorance

Stay vigilant
Cuz we are coming for you
Then you will have real reason
To be afraid

12.5.17

bastante

more than enough

nearly superfluous

there is plenty of me

to go around

so how can i feel

like someday i will

run out of me

as if i will stop

learning to feed

the ones that

i love

11.9.17