Do you ever have days
where the only thing that
keeps you from killing yourself
are the thoughts of your baby sister
the thought of the horror and pain
adorning her face
the unquenchable hurt in her tears
the realization that as fucked up
as you are, imagine the
scars your self-violence would
leave her with

you have to weigh the cost
enduring your own suffering
so as not to inflict immense
suffering on your loved ones

it doesn't feel selfish in
the moment, wanting to die
you think only of release,
of quiet,
of freedom,
freedom from gut-wrenching
hatred that has made a
home out of you
a hatred that you cannot evict,
you cannot kill
of if you can, you don't
know how or have enough strength

days like that, days like today,
are the hardest to endure
the most dangerous to wake up to
because sometimes
you don't know if you'll
get to the end
sometimes
you don't know if
the anguish will kill you
even before you can

as you watch yourself stumble
blindly through the emotions
oh, how the hatred heaps upon itself
as you think about how lucky you are
about all the good things you have
that you don't deserve anyway
you have a good life
you have an easy life
you have no right to feel this way
these thoughts pushing you
closer and closer to taking a step
a fatal one
a lethal one

have you ever had the thought
"maybe i can find a way to
make it look like an accident..."

if you have never had
that thought, so full of evil,
if you have never felt this way
i am glad for you

i hope you live your
whole life without feeling
like there is a darkness
eating you from the
inside out

12/13/17