Letter to 16-year-old me

Hey you,

I know you’re struggling right now. This year is going to be difficult. You’re going to get your heart broken and doubt yourself a lot, but in the midst of what feels like the end of the world I want you remember a few things:

-If he deserved you, he’d be the kind of man who stays, who fights for you

-Stay soft. keep loving with every inch of yourself. Being aloof and unaffected sounds cool and powerful, but it’s just a shine mask for pain and insecurity. The way you love, with all of you, with reckless abandon, is beautiful.

-If anyone mocks you for “caring too much” or “feeling to hard” ignore them. You’re a baby dragon, and that fire and those wings take some getting used to.Learning to fly is hard, but I promise you’ll get there.

-Don’t apologize so much. Sure, apologize when you mess up, but being you doesn’t constitute messing up

I’m 8 years older than you, which doesn’t sounds like much, but let me tell you… if feels like decades. Did you know that you deserve love, to be taken seriously, to be respected, to be a mess. You’re great! I swear you’re the only who doesn’t like you, but your opinion is the most important. And guess what, YOU ARE STUNNING! Girl, look at how your eyes twinkle! Your freckles are little angel kisses.  You have fantastic skin. Your body is smokin’, and guess what…it’s going to change often over the next few years. This is normal and healthy, and you’re still smokin.’ (For the record, there are a lot of guys at school who think you’re cute)

I just love how safe people feel around you. It’s like you have a superpower or something. I’m legitimately so proud of you! You’re hilarious and kind and SUPER smart. Like seriously, you are so intellectually capable. Don’t let people pigeon-hole you into “people smart.” Your brain is extremely powerful and strategic. Don’t argue with me! I know things, cuz I’m you and I’m fucking brilliant.

Hey, read more poetry… not dead, white guys, though (they’re great, but not what you need right now). Read modern women. Women who are fighters, who don’t apologize too much. You’ll love it. 

Also, can I just tell you… you have so much to look forward to. You’re in for such an exciting couple years! You’re going to fall in love, get your heart broken, learn to stand up for yourself, start cool things, write awesome poetry, travel the world, have one of your dream jobs, learn to cook, live alone, have a cat, make the best friends, know God in new and heart wrenchingly beautiful ways, lose people you love, learn to really appreciate family.

I know it’s hard, but don’t be so mean to yourself. Self-hatred is not holiness, and it actually hurts God’s heart to see you torture yourself. You are a rockstar. You become an amazing young adult, so I can’t imagine what a glorious old lady you are going to be someday. Read lots of memoirs and kids’ books. But the most important thing for you to know and remember is that I love you. I love you so much. Someday I will have enough strength to love you for the both of us, but for today all I can say is.. I love you. I love you. I love you. Don’t you forget it. I don’t have to love you. I love you because you’re awesome. You are incredible, Susanna Christian Spearman.

Warm regards,

24-year-old you

P.S.Boys are dumb. Please try to remember this. I know you like them, but they are so dumb.

January 2018

I am insatiable 

and I will be fed
have no doubt

whether you are
willing or
hesitant prey
makes no difference
to me

12.19.17

a letter to my enemy

I am supposed to love you
you are a complex & wounded
human being
but loving you is
really a question of cost
what will it cost my heart
to turn towards you
if I remain cold, I am protected
if I maintain distance, those I love are safe
if I love you only in hopes
that you will change
that is not love

as I write this I realize
that I am afraid that
I will actually love you
because
humans are so
beautiful and
messy and
sympathetic and
promising
and loving you means
forgiveness and humility
unclenching my fists
dousing my fury
loving you means
a cool stream and fresh rain
on the burning wasteland of my hatred

so, susanna, I choose to love you
now you must carry on and
pass the love forward
to others who are
hard to love

3.7.18

Do you ever wonder

if you came from

somewhere else

because the only thing

you've always understood

is being misunderstood

as if you were born

out of some deep rift

in the earth

where pain & stories

from every place & age

hold hands

2.21.18

Be blinding

and loud

and don't

apologize

for the space

you occupy

-inspired by

Upile Chisala

2.21.18

to sister prophetess

my roving heart
found a home in your words
yet i cannot summon
the right words to
thank you

you are
woman
powerful
black
prophetess
strong
beautiful
kind

yours was the first voice
to call me powerful
to teach me that
power & shame
are not dishes
mean to be served
together

you prophesied over
my fluttering, fearful
soul
you spoke my future
self to life that day
she did not learn to speak
for many years
but you taught my heart
to unleash it's rumble
and now
i am an earthquake

you are my
Prometheus

i didn't know
i needed to be
ignited
until you showed me
what freedom
and fire
and love
and power
all looked like
when you don't
apologize for them

may Abba bless you
may you feel my gratitude
in your spirit
thank you sister prophetess
thank you for seeing me
and for telling me
the truth

1.10.18 / 3.15.18

cultural appropriation

I've often wondered

if I was born in

the wrong skin

or

the wrong time

or

the wrong place

questions of belonging

perennial, always

blooming

inside my

heart

I have been given

so much

gifts

blessing

opportunity

but the questions

grew louder each year

each season

growing new roaming-

ivy roots

wrapping around me

then one day

I left my home

for my first

great adventure

the first

step

on my path

to finding

a home

within

myself

1.10.18

learning to love without one foot out the door

is like
tricking yourself out of
an airplane
parachute in place
skydiving
you ask yourself
why you're trying to
take mankind to heights
for which we were
not given wings
why fly when you
were built to stay
on the ground

is like
rolling your eyes
at the story of
Icarus, like...
"Come on, man!
You should've known!"

and yet...
the sky keeps calling me
promising me nothing
more than sunrises
and sunsets and
probably some rain,
but oh
the colors and
breezes and the
breath of God

the ground will
never feel the same

1.9.18

For Auston

w*man

woman
you're like nothing
i've ever seen!
what a blessing!

bless all that you are
bless all that you have been
bless all that you will be

intellect
life
nuance
beauty
blood
hunger
love
suffering
victory
vigor
distinction
questions
answers
universe
home

we rise above
we forgive
we fall and fail
we ask and demand
we smolder and smoke
but we no longer
stutter when
we tell the world
do give us our due

it all may
be built on our roots
but it is now
time for us
to blossom


International Women's Day 2018

unapology: a feminist manifesto

he says:

"doubt yourself. be smaller.

i don't recall giving you permission

to take up this much space.

our God is comprehensible.

we may not know everything

but we know enough to say

that he is a man

and that you are

wrong

disrespectful

a disgrace

need to be rebuked

for daring to believe

he could be she.

we accept that what you make

is beautiful

as long as it doesn't

shake up our world.

use your gift to move us

as long as we get to

stay in the same place.

it is true that woman is

a good gift.

distinct from us.

made to make a partner.

not whole on her own.

diminishable when necessary.

soft.

strong, but only in the way

a woman should be."

i say:

"i'm sorry if my power

offends you

but someday

i will stop being sorry

for the things i

was taught to be.

the world

my parents

pastors & teachers

handed me shame

wrapped in the best

of intentions & said

'this oughtta do the trick'

as if they saw

the fists of my tiny

Muhammad Ali heart

and hoped i'd never

find my way to the ring

because "good women" don't fight

and "godly" ones don't argue

i've been praised for laying down & understanding

"my role"

men have bragged to my father

about how i just "get it"

they say:

"some other, unruly

and autonomous girls

care more about their

misguided feminism

than biblical truth

but not Susanna

she is perfectly articulate

about her role

a woman's place

what her strength should look like

& why she needs men..."

i say:

"well, sorry dad

i'm supposed to be sorry right?

i was wrong before

lost, confused

hating myself for

being loud

& having a belly

full of fire

for wanting

to take care of myself

for not being afraid to be

alone

for loving life

and learning to

treasure my mess

for learning to

stop saying sorry

so enjoy the sorrys

before they run out

because someday the

sorry factory in my throat

is going to be shut down

& shame, guilt, & fear

will all be out of a job

they will be doomed to living

like ghosts

immaterial

desperate

homeless"

freedom says:

"only apologize

when you're wrong

don't be sorry for

not being sorry

no one gets to ask

you for that

anymore."

2.7.18

mirror mirror

good morning reflection
good morning eyes and nose
skin and freckles

good morning lips and shoulders
good morning body, self, and spirit

my dream
is that one day
I will have blessed you
more that I have cursed you

I sit here at the crossroads
and for my survival
I will choose to walk
the difficult road
of learning to love myself
and bless my reflection every morning

2/21/18

no asterisk

when they

ask you to risk

everything

to be exactly

who you are

say yes

you will never

be sorry

3.1.18

skin

if skin weren't meant to

stretch and change

scar and wrinkle

then

we would always

stay the

same

2/28/18

There once was a bird who was trapped in a cage

She had been living there from a young age

She saw other birds fly about and have fun

Doing all kinds of things that she’d never done

They dove and they soared and they flipped and they flew

Their freedom was the greatest thing that she knew

One day a kind stranger meandered by

When he saw her imprisoned he then wondered why

“Such a lovely bird,” he thought, “never should be

In such a cage like the one that I see.”

So he opened her cage and cared not a thing

What a wrath from her owners her freedom might bring

But instead of flying around to amaze

She sat there inside with inquisitive gaze

What should she do now? She didn’t know

So, on she continued enjoying the show

Of the other birds flying and diving about

She wished to be with them, she had no doubt

Perplexed and quite sad, her “freer” looked on

Wondering what on earth could be wrong

“Perhaps,” he thought, “that is where she was born

And fear of new things is why she’s forlorn.”

So he gently reached down and scooped her all up

She was tiny and would fit inside his teacup

She was petrified and her small heart beat fast

Could she really enjoy freedom at last?

“I know not how to fly,” she realized sadly.

“If I fall it will hurt ever so badly.”

That day she had to choose whether or not

If freedom was better than being caught

From her cage she had longed, day in and day out

To be able to fly and soar all about

But with no chance to be free she never did see

How gloriously dangerous flying could be

Then out of her rescuer’s hands she jumped

And landed upon his left knee with a bump

She wished she could ask him what she should do

Or if he knew all the worry he’d put her through

He questioned gently and gave her a wink

“How hard is flying, do you really think?”

She nestled closer into his arms

Knowing he truly meant her no harm

He lifted her up and ran all around

With the wind in her ears she cherished the sound

Then all of a sudden her freer stopped short

And she showed indignation of a fluttering sort

In frustration she flapped her wings in a fury

Hoping he’d start up again in a hurry

But before she knew what was going on

She was up in the air, away she had gone

The mixture she felt of terror and thrill

Made her want to keep honing her newly-found skill

Her freer grinned to himself as he thought

“Freedom’s far better than being caught!

I hope she’ll fly on to see many things

And that freedom will give strength to her wings.”

As he turned to go, she came back to his side

She nudged his large shoe and he smiled with pride

He knew she was thankful for helping her see

How gloriously dangerous flying could be

And that her fear never should gain

A single vict’ry or powerful reign

“Go on, live your life, my beautiful thing

And never forget to be true to your wings.

Go on and soar, fly to amaze

Never forget your maker to praise!

He made you to be free, and to cherish each day

And to make the world more lovely in your own little way!”

She chirped in agreement, and flew to new heights

She never forgot him, in day or in night

Her good and kind freer who taught her to see

How gloriously dangerous flying could be

Dedicated to Aaron and Rachel

(Began June 5, 2013, completed much, much, much, much later)

satellite

you amplify my signal
whenever you're around
i feel as if your arms
could stretch around the
globe of our lives
and hold fast
you look like Atlas
spinning my world on
your nimble fingers
but when i step away
and let my  toes turn
back into roots
you shrink with
distance and perspective
still as beautiful
and haunting as ever

my mind proves fertile
soil for unanswerable
questions
like
am i making myself small
for you
'cause i promised myself i'd
never do that
just because my enclosure
in your heart is spacious
doesn't mean loving you
isn't a cage

it took me too many years
to learn how to unfurl
my wings
for me to lean into a love
that has room for only
fractions of my fierceness
or only portions of my
potions and magic spells

i've been raised to believe
saying "no" makes me selfish
and i must give
you a chance
at any cost
that loving you is
the only signature i need

signed in my own blood
upon the dotted line
of your "forever" and
"for better or worse"

i pride myself, perhaps too much,
on being untamable
but maybe i am tamable
and simply unwilling to
shrink to
the smaller traps
or unprepared knights
who like the idea of me

must i always push you aside
must i give you a lesson in
why i'm too much for you
and why i can't seem to
let you clasp your hand
securely into mine

12/27/17

i don't know if
i can't let you love me
because
i hate myself
or
i love myself

-i'm so afraid you'll leave


1/1/18