learning to love without one foot out the door

is like
tricking yourself out of
an airplane
parachute in place
skydiving
you ask yourself
why you're trying to
take mankind to heights
for which we were
not given wings
why fly when you
were built to stay
on the ground

is like
rolling your eyes
at the story of
Icarus, like...
"Come on, man!
You should've known!"

and yet...
the sky keeps calling me
promising me nothing
more than sunrises
and sunsets and
probably some rain,
but oh
the colors and
breezes and the
breath of God

the ground will
never feel the same

1.9.18

For Auston

w*man

woman
you're like nothing
i've ever seen!
what a blessing!

bless all that you are
bless all that you have been
bless all that you will be

intellect
life
nuance
beauty
blood
hunger
love
suffering
victory
vigor
distinction
questions
answers
universe
home

we rise above
we forgive
we fall and fail
we ask and demand
we smolder and smoke
but we no longer
stutter when
we tell the world
do give us our due

it all may
be built on our roots
but it is now
time for us
to blossom


International Women's Day 2018

unapology: a feminist manifesto

he says:

"doubt yourself. be smaller.

i don't recall giving you permission

to take up this much space.

our God is comprehensible.

we may not know everything

but we know enough to say

that he is a man

and that you are

wrong

disrespectful

a disgrace

need to be rebuked

for daring to believe

he could be she.

we accept that what you make

is beautiful

as long as it doesn't

shake up our world.

use your gift to move us

as long as we get to

stay in the same place.

it is true that woman is

a good gift.

distinct from us.

made to make a partner.

not whole on her own.

diminishable when necessary.

soft.

strong, but only in the way

a woman should be."

i say:

"i'm sorry if my power

offends you

but someday

i will stop being sorry

for the things i

was taught to be.

the world

my parents

pastors & teachers

handed me shame

wrapped in the best

of intentions & said

'this oughtta do the trick'

as if they saw

the fists of my tiny

Muhammad Ali heart

and hoped i'd never

find my way to the ring

because "good women" don't fight

and "godly" ones don't argue

i've been praised for laying down & understanding

"my role"

men have bragged to my father

about how i just "get it"

they say:

"some other, unruly

and autonomous girls

care more about their

misguided feminism

than biblical truth

but not Susanna

she is perfectly articulate

about her role

a woman's place

what her strength should look like

& why she needs men..."

i say:

"well, sorry dad

i'm supposed to be sorry right?

i was wrong before

lost, confused

hating myself for

being loud

& having a belly

full of fire

for wanting

to take care of myself

for not being afraid to be

alone

for loving life

and learning to

treasure my mess

for learning to

stop saying sorry

so enjoy the sorrys

before they run out

because someday the

sorry factory in my throat

is going to be shut down

& shame, guilt, & fear

will all be out of a job

they will be doomed to living

like ghosts

immaterial

desperate

homeless"

freedom says:

"only apologize

when you're wrong

don't be sorry for

not being sorry

no one gets to ask

you for that

anymore."

2.7.18

mirror mirror

good morning reflection
good morning eyes and nose
skin and freckles

good morning lips and shoulders
good morning body, self, and spirit

my dream
is that one day
I will have blessed you
more that I have cursed you

I sit here at the crossroads
and for my survival
I will choose to walk
the difficult road
of learning to love myself
and bless my reflection every morning

2/21/18

no asterisk

when they

ask you to risk

everything

to be exactly

who you are

say yes

you will never

be sorry

3.1.18

skin

if skin weren't meant to

stretch and change

scar and wrinkle

then

we would always

stay the

same

2/28/18

There once was a bird who was trapped in a cage

She had been living there from a young age

She saw other birds fly about and have fun

Doing all kinds of things that she’d never done

They dove and they soared and they flipped and they flew

Their freedom was the greatest thing that she knew

One day a kind stranger meandered by

When he saw her imprisoned he then wondered why

“Such a lovely bird,” he thought, “never should be

In such a cage like the one that I see.”

So he opened her cage and cared not a thing

What a wrath from her owners her freedom might bring

But instead of flying around to amaze

She sat there inside with inquisitive gaze

What should she do now? She didn’t know

So, on she continued enjoying the show

Of the other birds flying and diving about

She wished to be with them, she had no doubt

Perplexed and quite sad, her “freer” looked on

Wondering what on earth could be wrong

“Perhaps,” he thought, “that is where she was born

And fear of new things is why she’s forlorn.”

So he gently reached down and scooped her all up

She was tiny and would fit inside his teacup

She was petrified and her small heart beat fast

Could she really enjoy freedom at last?

“I know not how to fly,” she realized sadly.

“If I fall it will hurt ever so badly.”

That day she had to choose whether or not

If freedom was better than being caught

From her cage she had longed, day in and day out

To be able to fly and soar all about

But with no chance to be free she never did see

How gloriously dangerous flying could be

Then out of her rescuer’s hands she jumped

And landed upon his left knee with a bump

She wished she could ask him what she should do

Or if he knew all the worry he’d put her through

He questioned gently and gave her a wink

“How hard is flying, do you really think?”

She nestled closer into his arms

Knowing he truly meant her no harm

He lifted her up and ran all around

With the wind in her ears she cherished the sound

Then all of a sudden her freer stopped short

And she showed indignation of a fluttering sort

In frustration she flapped her wings in a fury

Hoping he’d start up again in a hurry

But before she knew what was going on

She was up in the air, away she had gone

The mixture she felt of terror and thrill

Made her want to keep honing her newly-found skill

Her freer grinned to himself as he thought

“Freedom’s far better than being caught!

I hope she’ll fly on to see many things

And that freedom will give strength to her wings.”

As he turned to go, she came back to his side

She nudged his large shoe and he smiled with pride

He knew she was thankful for helping her see

How gloriously dangerous flying could be

And that her fear never should gain

A single vict’ry or powerful reign

“Go on, live your life, my beautiful thing

And never forget to be true to your wings.

Go on and soar, fly to amaze

Never forget your maker to praise!

He made you to be free, and to cherish each day

And to make the world more lovely in your own little way!”

She chirped in agreement, and flew to new heights

She never forgot him, in day or in night

Her good and kind freer who taught her to see

How gloriously dangerous flying could be

Dedicated to Aaron and Rachel

(Began June 5, 2013, completed much, much, much, much later)