Hey you,
I know you’re struggling right now. This year is going to be difficult. You’re going to get your heart broken and doubt yourself a lot, but in the midst of what feels like the end of the world I want you remember a few things:
-If he deserved you, he’d be the kind of man who stays, who fights for you
-Stay soft. keep loving with every inch of yourself. Being aloof and unaffected sounds cool and powerful, but it’s just a shine mask for pain and insecurity. The way you love, with all of you, with reckless abandon, is beautiful.
-If anyone mocks you for “caring too much” or “feeling to hard” ignore them. You’re a baby dragon, and that fire and those wings take some getting used to.Learning to fly is hard, but I promise you’ll get there.
-Don’t apologize so much. Sure, apologize when you mess up, but being you doesn’t constitute messing up
I’m 8 years older than you, which doesn’t sounds like much, but let me tell you… if feels like decades. Did you know that you deserve love, to be taken seriously, to be respected, to be a mess. You’re great! I swear you’re the only who doesn’t like you, but your opinion is the most important. And guess what, YOU ARE STUNNING! Girl, look at how your eyes twinkle! Your freckles are little angel kisses. You have fantastic skin. Your body is smokin’, and guess what…it’s going to change often over the next few years. This is normal and healthy, and you’re still smokin.’ (For the record, there are a lot of guys at school who think you’re cute)
I just love how safe people feel around you. It’s like you have a superpower or something. I’m legitimately so proud of you! You’re hilarious and kind and SUPER smart. Like seriously, you are so intellectually capable. Don’t let people pigeon-hole you into “people smart.” Your brain is extremely powerful and strategic. Don’t argue with me! I know things, cuz I’m you and I’m fucking brilliant.
Hey, read more poetry… not dead, white guys, though (they’re great, but not what you need right now). Read modern women. Women who are fighters, who don’t apologize too much. You’ll love it.
Also, can I just tell you… you have so much to look forward to. You’re in for such an exciting couple years! You’re going to fall in love, get your heart broken, learn to stand up for yourself, start cool things, write awesome poetry, travel the world, have one of your dream jobs, learn to cook, live alone, have a cat, make the best friends, know God in new and heart wrenchingly beautiful ways, lose people you love, learn to really appreciate family.
I know it’s hard, but don’t be so mean to yourself. Self-hatred is not holiness, and it actually hurts God’s heart to see you torture yourself. You are a rockstar. You become an amazing young adult, so I can’t imagine what a glorious old lady you are going to be someday. Read lots of memoirs and kids’ books. But the most important thing for you to know and remember is that I love you. I love you so much. Someday I will have enough strength to love you for the both of us, but for today all I can say is.. I love you. I love you. I love you. Don’t you forget it. I don’t have to love you. I love you because you’re awesome. You are incredible, Susanna Christian Spearman.
Warm regards,
24-year-old you
P.S.Boys are dumb. Please try to remember this. I know you like them, but they are so dumb.
January 2018
