Lineage

Down
Down
Down to the town where she grew
The mother of my mother's
mother's mother
She grew green like the soft
And dangerous peaks of the
Appalachians
With an accent as sweet as blackberry juice
And as thick as the coal-dust that never left
Her father's skin
You can still hear her whisper
In that West Virginia valley
She calls to me with a song
Of longing and sadness
She is a siren whose song
Is tuned to my heart strings
I would drown myself in the
Lostness and hunger of the
Mountains
Just to hear her story
Her voice for the first time

4.24.17

10/15

when will it begin to crush you
when you pay for your first haircut
after her
her slender fingers
different from the ones
caressing
your temples

de lujo

Luxury is

A full tank of gas
Bills paid on time
Baths with candles and oils
Beautiful lingerie
Rest
Counseling
Trying new things for the hell of it
Working phone

10/15/17

drowning goodbyes

in wine and sex

is a habit that

lack protein &

a coping mechanism

whose

canter cannot hold

10/14/17

i wish i could wring the tension
from the muscles in my back
like water from a cloth

the best i can do
at the moment
is drink hot liquids
and sigh often

10/14/17

slight of hand

loving you made me forget how to play the game. my hands practiced at card tricks and illusions of affection, grown clumsy with disuse. with no more need to hide. or perhaps i let myself forget because i no longer wished to play games & make a living on con-artist's gold-painted love & glass-diamond promises. you stole me from the casino & took me to a home. you undressed my sequins & feathers and clothed me with tender embraces. & i know i should thank you. you taught me that softness is enough on its own. that there's no need to douse myself in sugar-water, no need to build myself armor out of rock candy or a castle out of sugar cubes. that who i am is worth loving & savoring my salt and earth fills you. i should thank you. but i hate the way my raw veins look under the sunlight. i hate the way my skin feels without its spines. my audience no longer finds my slights of hand convincing. because when i pull the queen of hearts from my sleeve, she always has a note written on her back in your handwriting. "you are my queen. my heart is yours." then they see that i'm an imposter. how could someone who's been loved like that really believe in illusions, since i have lived in a world where real magic exists. i didn't believe in magic before the way your smile made parts of me melt that i never knew existed. i didn't believe in magic until you thwarted all of my attempts to disappear. you found all the trap doors in the house & nailed them shut. you held me in your arms and said, "if you're going to leave, my love, it must be through the front door." i didn't believe in magic until your hands were gentle & you taught me that scars can be nothing more than rivers, arrows, dotted lines pointing me towards healing. you promised me that the only sugar you needed was the shape of my lips as i said "i love you." & the sound of my voice saying "there's nowhere else in the world i'd rather be."

i wonder what you need now that i'm gone. are lesser women offering you artificial sugar. do you sigh with sadness when you see decks of cards? reminding you how you built me, but i was just a house of cards. how i crumpled. how your magic wasn't enough to keep me, to hold me together. how my salt & earth are now tears in the dirt. do you have pity on people who are still convinced by slights of hand because you realize that the whole trick is that it was never in your hands in the first place. how my hands are no longer in the right place. in yours. living without your smile is eroding places inside of me i had forgotten existed. even without you here i can't unhinge my rusted heart to swing back into the circus of colorful insincerities & sugar-water rain showers. because of you, i'm more. i'm less sweet & perhaps more honest. i don't miss the game or my top-hat full of tips & skipping-rabbit heartbeats. i have no regrets. you rescued me & i like to believe i fed you for a while. never forget what kind of love you deserve. remember ... if she doesn't make you forget you don't have wings then it's probably just gold paint & glass diamonds. and tell her that you are waiting around for real magic, because now that you've tasted it... you'll settle for nothing less.

10/12/17

addiction

follow the eyes
of the addict
where does she go
when her prescription
runs out
she laughs at the
hypocrisy of
the quitters who
could only ever
prove that they
loved themselves more
than the addiction
they used to swear
made them whole

10/12/17

a warning

watch closely

watch out for the woman

with ancient-clay breath

& a spiderweb tongue

for she is always hungry

& too beautiful for you

to resist

10/10/17

I have grown over time to love my story
tapestries of fingerprints resting
on my skin and my bones
the ancient clay of my breath
and my song ask questions
full of longing:
if i didn't known my power
would the people around me be safe?
if i could forget my wonder and light,
would i become a more satisfactory morsel?
did i choose to be this vast or did the sky
just need someone to match her?
i may never know

10/10/17

spiderweb

how does a woman become a spider web?

when men grow an appetite for different parts of her.

when the hunger in their eyes masquerades as wonder.

as if she can't smell the starvation on their breath.

she becomes a spiderweb because

she no longer knows if she is

the poison or the cure.

heaven or hell.

love or torture.

because she can no longer afford

to be both.

10/10/17

they couldn't have known
this galaxy was made of clay
they couldn't have known
their footprints upon my history
would never fade

10/10/17

did i learn somewhere that
i wasn't enough or did
i fall so deeply in love
with the vast universe
that she taught me
to crave more?
more love.
more stories.
more light.
more of the world.
more truth.
more attention.
more power.

10/10/17

gravity

funny

how the hungriest things

are the hardest to swallow

like they hold the secrets

to gravity, to becoming

a black hole

hunger has made me

collapse in on myself

over & over

having enough love

to build a whole universe

and enough appetite

to devour one

10/10/17

I wonder sometimes

if I wasn't broken

to begin with, I ask

"the chicken or the egg?"

and my body answers

you were always hungry

always deficient, always

that little girl begging to

be seen, and loved, and

easier to swallow

10/10/17

ascent

the ascent into heaven begins so slowly

with a breath, a cry, eyes opening

years grow feathers then wings

and life begins to soar

the most challenging leap of all

is when wings must carry soul

from body to the clouds

then to the stars

then to the arms

of God

waiting to hold

us in her arms

as if all her being

had only ever ached for us

10.13.17

Clay

They couldn't have known I was made of clay

they couldn't have known that

pressing in to our sin

would leave fingerprints & blemishes

places where I would become

structurally

unsound

10.10.17

X.VI

it breaks my heart
that I can tell the
difference
between when
a man's eyes
are full of
wonder or
just hunger

-they think I
don't smell the
starvation on their
breath

10.6.17

Anointing

i square
my jaw
& plant
my feet
firmly
like thirsty
roots
and stare
her down
here she is
in all her
glory
naked
vulnerable
soft
breaking
my reflection

"listen, beloved
let me heal
you with
dripping honey
and truth-filled
lips

10.6.17

goodbyes

when the people i love
have to go
i recoil
like a snake
not wishing to be
touched

i always feel guilty for
the reflexes that
bring out my
slow-burn
poison

it's as if
my body &  heart
have forgotten
that hurting you
as you walk out the door
won't stem the pain
that floods my
toy-box heart
when you close it
behind you

10/6/17

petals and mirrors

come
let's darken our eyes
and become our own
mirrors

a darkness of
loving & endless
beauty

then perhaps
the doors in our chest
will open
and the light
will fill our eyes
like a delicate
wine glass

and the sunflower
will tell us her secret
that she only glows
because
of the
darkness
inside of her

10/6/17

I AM NOT JESUS

melt my bones
& make me a balm
to soothe the cries
of the rejected ones

break me into
stones to defend
those with aching
feet & bruised
spirits

10/3/17

sometimes

sometimes

i want to die

so much that

can't be mended

that needs to be

mended

the brokenness

spreads like a

disease

spreads like

wings

as sadness

sits atop

my hips

like a

sleepy child

sometimes

too much feels

like just enough

to push lungs

underwater

drowning

fills our

mouths with salt

and empties

them of breath

and truth

sometimes

i bargain

with god

and give

up on

the world

cuz "there's

not enough

light"

I scream

10/3/17

Run, Hide

it'll hurt
i can't let it
get to me
my sadness
is catching up
but i'm tired of
running

there is no
hiding place
where I fit
comfortably

when my
tears run
out of water
what else
is there left
to do but
lie down
& let the
pain wash
over me

10/3/17

*

sadness hangs like heavy fruit

weighing down the branches

of my heart

10/3/17

NOISE

take a look

take a seat

lake a listen

the voices are

here

inside my

head and 

i'm tired

of the

laughing

"you are alone.

your burdens

are too heavy

to share.

you're too

broken to love

again."

9/29/17

hello, my name is susanna, and i am an addict

I can't quit you

as if i must detox

from every loving look

and breathless kiss

i'm an unrepentant addict

who doesn't want to

quit

living in withdrawals

hanging tightly to

the taste of your

memory

9/29/17

Fall...ing

funny

leaves give their

best show

for goodbye

funny

they call love

falling

on impact

we often crunch

like dead leaves

and breaking twigs

funny

saying goodbye

is so much deeper

so much more

painful

because

you're beautiful

funny

i cry more

because I know

you'll be back

in the spring

and

i'll still

miss you

and miss the thrill of

falling

9/29/17

Thirsty

when you live beside
a stream that is cool
& clear you forget
what being thirsty
feels like

how can something
ache & burn & exist
so full of longing?

it is an animal
that lives deep
inside of me

something that never sleeps
something that never sleeps

9/27/17