I was 13. a boy asked which part of me
i'd want to be seen naked -
i answered him, full of innocence
wondering why that was important
14. all of my best friends were skinny
i wished i was wanted by the boys
but that was before i knew
how children treated their toys
15. he told me he liked my butt
and i didn't know what to say but
"thanks" and feel as if that wasn't
the part of me most worth knowing
16. my dad was worse than invisible
my dad was visible and silent
visible when it was convenient
visible when he disapproved
16. no wonder i thought i was in love
because, for him, loving me
was the simplest answer but he didn't know
his selfish needed an interpreter
16. he disappeared and came back
when he was hungry and i
let him lay me down, body and mind
and touch me till he'd had his fill
17. hurt lingers. hurt is contagious.
this young man cared for me
so much better than the others but my
affection was more shield than trust
18. hurt lingers and grows.
the fortress of self-hate
guarded me well from truth
and from boys
18. or did it? they drew buckets of life
from my well, robbing my mind and
heart of defenses and they didn't
have the decency to put the bucket back
19. "i can never be the woman he wants" i cried
but daddy told me to put on some makeup
daddy told me to look more like mommy
if i wanted to be loved
20. the world grew so wide, maybe
i wasn't too big, too much, woo woman,
too powerful.. yet all these things were
truth echoing only vaguely
21. i wrote him a letter - he laughed
that scornful kind of laugh
and it felt all too familiar
hadn't boys been laughing
at my treasure for years?
22. he raped me, but i couldn't call it rape
till i was 23 because I didn't stop him
i couldn't stop him
22. another man. he would only spend time
with me if i came to his house
"I need to leave.. now" i cried
"at least help me get off first" he replied
22. another man. "you're damaging
to everyone around you"
22. another man. "you always make
everything about you. if you weren't so selfish..."
*click*
22. radio silence. they ate their fill
and didn't even leave a tip
23. the rapist came back
and begged forgiveness
i let his dick inside me
but my heart... radio silence
23. *click* no more!
*click* goodbye
*click* i'm not sorry
*click* i have been a victim
but it's not who I am
1/24/17
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