empathy is a superpower I can't turn off
to me, people are not puzzles but paintings
with corners peeking out from hiding places
empaths are sponges that soak up pain from the air
I see you, no I see you
I can win every match of hide & seek
'cause when you speak I swallow your truth
and it becomes a part of me
if I donate my body to science when I die
they'll cut open my cadaver and gasp because
my lungs are lined with curling edges of photographs
of you and me and everyone whose
inhibitions I inhaled
my liver is filled with tears, a saltwater swimming pool
surrounded by deflated buoys my spirit rented out
to anyone who was drowning
in between each rib is a shelf lined with books:
stories and aches, poems and prayers
bound and chronicled for you
my clavicles are the East and West wings
of a memory museum that houses the ones
you were too broken to carry alone
empathy is a superpower I can't turn off
if only I just saw through walls
instead of facades and well-worn false faces
I wish my eyes only melted windshields and
not your shields for the battlefield
that awaits you when the sun comes up
you can't hide from me
sometimes I wish you could
I didn't ask to see you
I didn't ask permission, but
I can just get in even if
it's not my mission
and when I find myself wishing to die
it's not because I have nothing to live for
it's just that I didn't ask to be a
wishing-well guardian of
broken-winged birds and broken-stringed crickets
and sometimes it feels like too much
like some saying about straws and camels
but I think straws serve as a poor metaphor
for people's burdens because, well...
they matter too much
3/23/17
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Thursday, March 2, 2017
10 years: A list of grievances
I was 13. a boy asked which part of me
i'd want to be seen naked -
i answered him, full of innocence
wondering why that was important
14. all of my best friends were skinny
i wished i was wanted by the boys
but that was before i knew
how children treated their toys
15. he told me he liked my butt
and i didn't know what to say but
"thanks" and feel as if that wasn't
the part of me most worth knowing
16. my dad was worse than invisible
my dad was visible and silent
visible when it was convenient
visible when he disapproved
16. no wonder i thought i was in love
because, for him, loving me
was the simplest answer but he didn't know
his selfish needed an interpreter
16. he disappeared and came back
when he was hungry and i
let him lay me down, body and mind
and touch me till he'd had his fill
17. hurt lingers. hurt is contagious.
this young man cared for me
so much better than the others but my
affection was more shield than trust
18. hurt lingers and grows.
the fortress of self-hate
guarded me well from truth
and from boys
18. or did it? they drew buckets of life
from my well, robbing my mind and
heart of defenses and they didn't
have the decency to put the bucket back
19. "i can never be the woman he wants" i cried
but daddy told me to put on some makeup
daddy told me to look more like mommy
if i wanted to be loved
20. the world grew so wide, maybe
i wasn't too big, too much, woo woman,
too powerful.. yet all these things were
truth echoing only vaguely
21. i wrote him a letter - he laughed
that scornful kind of laugh
and it felt all too familiar
hadn't boys been laughing
at my treasure for years?
22. he raped me, but i couldn't call it rape
till i was 23 because I didn't stop him
i couldn't stop him
22. another man. he would only spend time
with me if i came to his house
"I need to leave.. now" i cried
"at least help me get off first" he replied
22. another man. "you're damaging
to everyone around you"
22. another man. "you always make
everything about you. if you weren't so selfish..."
*click*
22. radio silence. they ate their fill
and didn't even leave a tip
23. the rapist came back
and begged forgiveness
i let his dick inside me
but my heart... radio silence
23. *click* no more!
*click* goodbye
*click* i'm not sorry
*click* i have been a victim
but it's not who I am
1/24/17
i'd want to be seen naked -
i answered him, full of innocence
wondering why that was important
14. all of my best friends were skinny
i wished i was wanted by the boys
but that was before i knew
how children treated their toys
15. he told me he liked my butt
and i didn't know what to say but
"thanks" and feel as if that wasn't
the part of me most worth knowing
16. my dad was worse than invisible
my dad was visible and silent
visible when it was convenient
visible when he disapproved
16. no wonder i thought i was in love
because, for him, loving me
was the simplest answer but he didn't know
his selfish needed an interpreter
16. he disappeared and came back
when he was hungry and i
let him lay me down, body and mind
and touch me till he'd had his fill
17. hurt lingers. hurt is contagious.
this young man cared for me
so much better than the others but my
affection was more shield than trust
18. hurt lingers and grows.
the fortress of self-hate
guarded me well from truth
and from boys
18. or did it? they drew buckets of life
from my well, robbing my mind and
heart of defenses and they didn't
have the decency to put the bucket back
19. "i can never be the woman he wants" i cried
but daddy told me to put on some makeup
daddy told me to look more like mommy
if i wanted to be loved
20. the world grew so wide, maybe
i wasn't too big, too much, woo woman,
too powerful.. yet all these things were
truth echoing only vaguely
21. i wrote him a letter - he laughed
that scornful kind of laugh
and it felt all too familiar
hadn't boys been laughing
at my treasure for years?
22. he raped me, but i couldn't call it rape
till i was 23 because I didn't stop him
i couldn't stop him
22. another man. he would only spend time
with me if i came to his house
"I need to leave.. now" i cried
"at least help me get off first" he replied
22. another man. "you're damaging
to everyone around you"
22. another man. "you always make
everything about you. if you weren't so selfish..."
*click*
22. radio silence. they ate their fill
and didn't even leave a tip
23. the rapist came back
and begged forgiveness
i let his dick inside me
but my heart... radio silence
23. *click* no more!
*click* goodbye
*click* i'm not sorry
*click* i have been a victim
but it's not who I am
1/24/17
B 1/24/17
I will bend myself in half trying
desperately to not be you
but in doing so
I'd become something insidious
yet entirely different
desperately to not be you
but in doing so
I'd become something insidious
yet entirely different
Trauma
"I have experienced a
great deal of trauma"
is the most difficult
sentence
I have ever uttered
great deal of trauma"
is the most difficult
sentence
I have ever uttered
A 1/24/17
last night
she said, "you've had
quite enough of that."
last night
I saw a bleeding wound
wound around a knife
what I have always been
haunting me
she said, "you've had
quite enough of that."
last night
I saw a bleeding wound
wound around a knife
what I have always been
haunting me
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